Acceptance

today may be the first day i actually had some acceptance. like true visualization of my life without him and feeling somewhat excited. May have been the date yourself podcast in combo with his text, izzie, wrapping up CSMD, working out, my friends, finding the balance between rest and self compassion and still doing, planning travels, feeling closer to freedom.but i am starting to realize i dont just want to run away anymore. i wanted to travel extended so that he would come back. to have time to realize he wants me and misses me. now is see the flawed thinking. the hurt it causes. now? i actually want to find a place to harbour home. i deserve a second shot at love and life. i do want a family . i do want to be more connected and healthier than i ever have been. it brings me to tears.

its been the worst most miserable years of my life the last several. i am scared. but i dont want to harbour in fear anymore. i want to step into the next version of savannah. this is the first time im writing that and i mean it. i want to wear skirts and let my hair run wild and free and dance on the beach and sleep with the wind outside and just exist. soak it all in. with a partner that i feel SAFE around who is not like me but supports me and i emotionally trust with my whole heart and soul. i want to have babies that are cute and bilingual and i want animals. i want to live in nature away from the noise. ideally in another country but could swing it in a place here that has lots of space. we need people when we are alone but partnered we dont need anything at all.

im scared to go to sleep because my mood will swing back into missing matt mode so fast. i am telling myself november will be a better month. its gotta be. i have moved through this pain grief loss and trauma all the way. feeling everyhting as it comes. i am working to be an expander for my friends and how to be a more objective listener. im doing better. i feel like im growing up and becoming a better persin and stepping into myself.