It’s been rough
I am energetically in the same space i was in 2018 in many ways. In other regards, ive grown a TON. I finally after 4 years got the words “a part of me is curious but im afraid im having a hard time imagining it can be my everything and forever” from matt, with regard to me. He no longer sees me as a forever partner. 1 year ago he said the words “how am i supposed to let you walk out the door right now? i could spend the rest of my life with you”. I thought for sure with time and trust it would unfold as it was meant to. As it turns out, my gut was right all along. He didnt want this. I felt that when he turned post infidelity. he tried and reassured day after day, but my gut felt like he wasnt in it. i wanted to leave for 3 years to test him and get perspective, heal and grow— but i did it too late. I left in 2021 and within 8 weeks he made a 180 and no longer wanted to be with me. its crushing.
I never know whats the truth with him. He lies, can placate so well, please, and doesnt show me his true self. I have no idea who he is yet i am in love with him due to how he loves me if that is even real. I know he has a big personality but other than flirtation and being sloppy with others i really dont know what it is. I am cringing as i write that. with me in love its adventure, care taking, following me around. also probably not the healthiest. i have some serious pattern unlearning to do. in some ways im glad i am out of it. in others i am confused.
All i know is, i have wasted a ton of time. i need to learn to anchor inwards, and start to be less afraid of connecting with new people and putting myself out there. I think itll happen once i move. idk why i have that feeling but i do. i dont want to do things for him anymore. i want to challenge myself to stop posting on my other blog- the one i know he reads. to sttop looking at his page, and absolutely stop looking at his stories. i want to make a goals and travels list and stick to it. i want to record my podcast. release resentment. fall in love again and build a family. thats what i truly have wanted all along. i know it sounds cliche but connection is what matters. i never felt like he was truly intimately in love with me in the way i was with him. maybe i wasnt beta enough. nuturing and motherly - but i was freaking cheated on early on w him. so of course i had walls up. I just dont get why he didn’t say something earlier. wasting a lot of my reproductive years. i also wonder why i felt that urgency. maybe i felt the pull, im not really sure. I think i didnt feel good with him being so social because of his propensity to cheat. maybe i need a man that wants to build an actual life with me. i trust that people can change, but not really sure who he actually is. other than avoidant, and rejecting me, lol.
relationships are a risk. its really scary to open your heart in love and attach to another, as it can absolutely destroy us if we do it fully. i am trying to get “back to myself” but i really dont remember myself all that well. im trying to be more positive and change. another part of me wants a partner to fully accept me and i feel viscerally rejected. idk. its so hard to navigate and know. maybe we all need to keep part of our representative selves on board no matter what, in the case of loss. that is also not ideal. you really cant win.
all i know , is that my gut didnt trust. there was a fuck ton of resentment, and i didnt know how to own my side of the street. now, i get it. i cant go back , and i cant dwell. i can only choose tomorrow even though my brain likes to play rewind.
8 weeks left at this job, then i will travel. this year has been me in bed, honestly. hard to find the drive and desire for much of anything. its all so insurmountable.
