On my ex’s 30th birthday
It’s your birthday today- your 30th. I have been anticipating this day for some time now. I know- society tells us that its not cute to find reasons to text your ex. to wait. that walking around feeling like my insides are scooped out almost a year since we broke up later is weak. but the truth is, its a testament of how deeply my heart knows how to love. its remarkable, especially if I recount our history.
You cheated on me, with 4 women. while engaged, when not engaged, when in college, and in med school. I called off a wedding alone. Yes, we were 26 - and maybe retrospectively you didn’t want to marry me. but you never said that. how does one even get into that place? you Lied a lot- mostly through omission and promises that you maybe intended to keep but never did. up until the very end, you were giving me false reassurance. you always chose ease, even if it meant lying and placating. you were okay with that at the end of the day. chose the fun, the laughter, the party. When i saw you in july you chalked up your cheating and using me to grow as “needing to learn life lessons”. I disagree. cheating is a choice and you knew. there was no lesson to be learned. you had been down that road previously. I could go on here -but there is no point. its your 30th birthday and im conflicted.
You didn’t text me on my 30th earlier this month. I waited all day. really- this year i waited on so many days. for you to turn around and change your mind. for you to realize that you made the biggest mistake of your life. that you would never find someone to love you to the depths that i have. i wish that wasnt true but it was. my heart sank when you didnt text me. i was on corsica after hiking all day in a bathroom crying with 1 bar of LTE because you didn’t acknowledge my 30th. I juxtaposed it to what you texted me last year on my 30th , promising to support me forever. you are hot and cold with me - to my nervous system. You say you dont feel safe as your excuse. i see that is true and i see how it happened-but its because you cheated and lied so many times. you felt plenty safe before i found out. my shadow sides had to come out and you couldnt handle the shame. i didnt forgive. i have blame there too- i didn’t know how to manage it, or relate to you. i did my best. i have feelings of heartache and deep desire for you some days- but yesterday and today i have felt resentment. Hate, almost. you treated me poorly for a decade. my 20s completely washed away. i continued to give you chances to show up differently but you didn’t. i think this birthday situation just goes to show that when someone shows you who they are— you should believe them. i waited and anticipated and thought 100 times about what to text you for your birthday. and now the day is here- and i want to be the “bigger person” but maybe im realizing for the first time in my life that being the bigger person is not engaging with you at all. being the bigger person is loving me in the ways you never did. being the bigger person is knowing that you will not even think of me or care whether or not i text you - because you don’t even remember to get back to me on days when you say you will when you know my heart is broken. you lie. you are unreliable, omit, cheat, and have shown me a few too many times who you truly are in the last 10 years. i love you and i always will, but i am not going to wish you a happy birthday. for your sake, i hope your 30s you actually let the weight of how youve treated someone who loves you so deeply and fully sink into your bones. i doube you will- youll continue to live on the surface, in ego, wrapped up in the traditional “fuck boy” tendencies you are living in. i probably should have let you go a long time ago. You were not going to do it. i had to despite every bone in my body resisting. i have continued to be the bigger person and the loving person. forgiving and open. but that ends today. its scary and unwavering- but probably the most empowering thing i have done for myself in a long, long time.
I hope you get many messages on your 30th today -from your mother who never acknowledged that i was a human, to friends youve made this year in residency, to the girl you instagram messaged and told was “literally it and above the standard in every way” while on the phone with me while i was in tears when you broke up with me. From the girl you texted when i was there to pick up my things. me? im the woman you said “ the only reason i would want this is because of the person i know you COULD be”— and guess what honey, i am that person.i always have been. you never loved me enough to. see it. AND you will not be getting a text from me.
im choosing to create my 30s. this decision is reflective of that. you choosing not to text me earlier this month absolutely nailed in the coffin the person you are. im done giving. youve drained me of all i have. goodbye, and i hope you enjoy your 30s. I mean it. i dont hate you, but access will be denied.
