Well, I texted him the day after
In my last post I was strong and forceful- but here we are with the reality of the situation. I watched his stupid instagram story. Saw the party with his family. and just could not help myself. Of course the second i did it my knees buckled in the yoga studio and there i was holding my phone basically shaking. The conversation was nothing to write home about. He responded short and kind. I was going to work out but was completely de-railed. How my nervous system responds to him is not great.
I texted him the following day about sailing or to follow up and he actually facetimed me while i was at work. He said things like “you have a strong spirit and i did not when i was with you” and “intrinsically you wont be able to do this and we wont be able to have the type of intimacy needed due to what i did” and “it would be a lot with my mom” and '“ i cant commit to that” and “im not closed off to the idea of hanging out but i dont want to be intimate” . i am sitting here like what the fuck. he says he called because he missed me. he also said he does not reach out due to the feeling he has in his stomach. he said hes not afraid i would hurt him again. i dont know. it feels like a hard no but i am like ok then why the fuck did you even answer the phone. why are you reading my blog posts on my other blog. it kills me. hes definitely weak. He told me he would send me his presentation after i sent him emails and didn’t. just fucking rude. thats not even friendship- its just straight rude. i hate him. but i also love him. i have been absolutely derailed since we talked MONDAY. its fucking FRIDAY. like actually what the fuck.
my friends have stated hes not good for me. he doesnt choose me. it hurts. its so fucked up. i know i deserve more. i just love him so much it nearly breaks me. i also know i am the only one who can get me out of this. he never will - thats for damn sure. hes not gonna show up. hes gonna continue to think hes the worlds hottest shit. seriously though i havent been able to work out or function or move forward. he brought up me dating - like as if this is normal. NO DUDE I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU FOR YEARS THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. people are actually stupid. they dont realize how much we hurt other people. like if not intimately- i want him in my life in no capacity. not welcome.
im sitting on the floor of my apt, need to move stuff down. i backslip so much when we talk. i cant do it. i cant reach out anymore. i know it deep down, but i want to do it so badly. i want it to work so much. im so sad. how do i heal myself?
i know im strong. i know i can do it. its a decision ,why wont i make it? why is love so hard? its the greatest force we have.
